Why do our relationships feel so broken? I have no answers, only questions and maybe a little hope (if we work together)

I am so fascinated by the Human relationships., I think because I want to leave my kids and my imaginary grandkids with “hope”. Relationships are no easy task for anyone. It is the very people that have the closest access to us that can bring the most pain and the most opportunity for growth. In relationships, be it platonic, family, romantic, sexual or any of the above that overlap., you are dealing with more than yourself. The emotions of another, the worldly views of another, the struggles of daily life with another. Their ego, their spirit, their highs and lows, their health (and they are dealing the same with you).

At the end of the day, we are designed to need each other (I can hear all the arguments on why we don’t need the other and how we are better off without them) But I think we can all agree that we at least have to fornicate with each other, or our species will end. I think we can also agree that absent parents (On either side) leave some type of whole… But why did God/Creation make us so blooming Opposite?

The “IDEA” of “Happy Ever After” with the person who sees you fully makes us “happy” but why are so few getting there? And listen, I am not talking about Two miserable people “toughing it out” I am also not talking about the Men or Women that suffer in silence to “Just not rock the boat” I am talking about two love birds whose eyes shine at 80 when they look at each other. I am talking about when one spouse dies at 85 the other follows not far behind because their souls can’t bear to be apart. Why are so many so far away from that kind of love and respect? And believe me; there is no Judgement meant as I have deeply messed up quite a few relationships myself. Luk told me in a rage one day that “taking relationship advice from me and his father was like taking business advice from his Papa”.. And honestly it was a fair shot; only he did not consider all that my failures had taught me.

If I can go “Tin foil hat” for a moment- why are our algorithms not teaching us how to work together? I degrees!!

“Should I stay or Go” is a question you hear so often and with a divorce rate in the US about to hit 50% for first marriages and 60-70% for second marriages we can easily see that more are opting to “Go”. What about Estrangement amongst family members in the US- while this is hard to pinpoint a % it is estimated that 40% have at least one family member that is Estranged or has been from the family at one time (with this number rising).

It is not easy to lean in and determine if a relationship is for your highest growth or toxic and one you should avoid.

Here is a list of questions to think about.  

• Do both parties share an openness and willingness to grow?
• Is there a strong foundation of love, trust and mutual respect?
• Are there any external factors at play?
• Do you want to make it work?
• Do you feel chronically disrespected? Or, Are you unwilling to be respectful?
• Is there abuse or neglect?
• Do you share common life goals?  – how far apart are you two when it comes to life goals?
• Do you see the world very differently on big issues such as Kids, how you will raise kids, where/how you want to live., What about Faith? What about the role each will play for work, society, and moral structures.
• Is divorce an option?

All Relationships according to the experts go through Five very important stages and if you pull out too soon you could miss the happy ending 😊. And yet, if you stay too long in one that both parties are not fully ready to work towards the happy ending you can feel as if you spent too much time in a vehicle with no gas. Unfortunately, I have seen where sometimes our absences was a far greater teacher than our presence could have ever been. (Soul Crushing)

Can you go through everything that is meant to tear you apart and come out even stronger? Are you willing to grow together or will you grow apart? Most people Fold when it “stops feeling good” When you meet your shadows, your wounds, your triggers., can you commit to Holding tight, can you commit to showing up., for holding safe spaces. For being the rock when the other needs to melt.  

Stage one- Bliss; this stage hardly needs any introduction., It is our favorite stage, and some are so addicted to this stage they keep it on repeat as if there is nothing better.

Stage two- Breakdowns; the leaks, the misunderstanding, the broken trust, the blame the frustration, the Fears- the moment you think this can’t be love. I have chosen the wrong person to love.

Stage three- the Mirror- you stop pointing the finger- this is not just about them but as much about yourself and your own growth. You show up for yourself (the more you show up for yourself and hold Space the safer), you stop seeking love from them and you become love, you stop seeking safety from them and you become the safety. You let go of the fear and you become the brave heart that trusts in the good of your relationship.  

Stage Four- rebuild; you both choose growth not protection from one another- no pretending, you speak clearly, and you are both heard and seen with the absence of fear.  showing up each day., seeing your own pain and theirs and helping each through it while trusting that it will serve both your highest and best.

Stage Five., The Bliss is Back. It is earned- you put the work in. It is clarity., it is not butterflies you had in the beginning but a deep bond. It is a bond that time and distance cannot break. It is a bond that heals worlds.

It is not easy, and it is not instant but if you do the work, face your own discomfort and not expecting the other to “Do all the work” you will not only create an unbreakable love but you will have helped each other “walk the other to their higher self”

There is a Turkish Saying. “If you truly love someone you will love them twice (1^st and 5^th stage) The first time it is all about attraction- their smile, their voice, their presence, But slowly the curtain lifts. You see their scars, insecurities, mood swings, trauma, moral differences. It is no longer perfect- it is real. And if you can still love them without filters, without expectations- that is not infatuation. That is the love of understating. The kind that stays., that kind that has grown.  

Which brings me to the Last questions; What is love? How do you balance loving yourself and giving of yourself without losing yourself. There is a difference between Unconditionally Loving someone without unconditionally acceptance of one’s behavior.

SHOW UP FOR YOURSLF!! Be the best person you can be every day- not perfect,  just showing up, just committed to you and all the fabulous relationships you can foster and NO GUILT or Shame if you cannot show up.. Some people play alone in the sandbox best.

Kristin